I'll Laugh When They Lose A Wheel Off Your Hearse

The door to our tiny flat And now it's time for... Real-Life Slapstick Theatre!

Let's join our intrepid hero as he negotiates the cramped confines of his flat, trying not to inflict more bodily damage upon himself! Can he do it? Let's watch...

I needed to check the clearance behind my fridge, which is about three feet tall. I wanted to make sure there was enough space, as the fridge won't operate properly if airflow is restricted. I must not have been paying attention, because when I moved forward I was looking down, and I ran into the cupboard door (which is only 21 inches higher than the fridge, and on an angle), with my forehead.

"... I'm surprised I didn't break the door, I hit it so hard."

This was no love-tap; I'm surprised I didn't break the door, I hit it so hard.

I know what you're thinking: What a dunce! No, I was just tired. I'm 6'2" tall, and sometimes when stoop I lose my sense of perspective.

Go ahead, laugh. I used do the same thing when I was learning to drive and tried to fold my body into a Toyota Corolla.

I had a straight red welt under my hairline for three days. I don't seem to be suffering any ill effects, except the twitching and occasional screaming fit.

Every day I run into something; I'm not a klutz, it's cramped. If I don't move to a bigger flat soon, I'm liable to kill myself by accident! You can stop laughing now, it's not that funny!

As my father used to say: I'll laugh when they lose a wheel off your hearse.

December, 1998

Next Tale: It's Good To Be A Social Pariah