On Safari in the Concrete Jungle
On Safari in the Concrete Jungle
We're on safari in the concrete jungle, hunting our
elusive prey, the Affordable Flat. It is a wary animal, well adept at camouflage, blending in among the glut of overpriced, run-down housing crowding the urban landscape.
We're getting closer; we've been tracking it for weeks...
Our landlady wants to sell the flat. With the battering the property market has taken in recent months, this converted shoebox is a money-loser and she wants to dump it, fast. I can't say I blame her, but the problem is we get dumped too. We've been given notice: take a hike. Here's your hat; what's your hurry? Don't let the door slap your ass on your way out.
Safari in Hong Kong is arduous and time-consuming; fraught with dangers and pitfalls. But if patient and careful, you'll come away with a suitable trophy. Here are the rules of the hunt:
1. Before leaving the village, map out the strategy to bag your quarry. Rents are outrageous; you must ascertain from the outset how much cash you're willing to part with each month. It isn't a question of whether you'll get bent; the question is: over how far?
2. Determine the location of the hunt. The expense allowance in Rule No.1 will help you decide. There's no sense hunting lions at the North Pole, is there? Have alternate hunting grounds in mind should your prey have migrated.
3. Scout property agencies in the area. Select reputable agencies; your chances of finding your quarry increase with a firm's reliability.
4. Find a suitable agent. He is your guide; he knows the territory, and will help you avoid unpleasant confrontations with the natives or head-hunters. Most guides will reconnoiter the jungle to eliminate cold trails. Avoid lazy guides who want to lead you down well-traveled paths; your target won't be there. If your guide is a slacker, fire him. Should he lead you to roach-infested hellholes, shoot him, trek back to the village and find another; guides are plenty. A guide will only charge you for his services if your make the kill.
5. Once you locate your prey, it's wise to inspect the property and negotiate the details of the kill. The question of furnishings or lack thereof, repairs or renovations required (if any), the monthly maintenance fee, and of course, the rent, need to be settled before you can fire your weapon. Remember, the guide's fee is half of the monthly rent agreed upon, so negotiate well to reduce this outlay.
6. When you bag your quarry, you must pay for the safari. You will sign the contract, then fork over the equivalent of two months' rent as a security deposit, plus the first month's rent, in advance. The system is ludicrous, but that's how the safari works.
7. Next, gut and skin your kill. A thorough internal cleaning is advisable and necessary prior to stuffing and mounting. When the cleaning meets your satisfaction, you may stuff it with your belongings. Bear in mind it may take several trips to bring your belongings down from your hut atop the mountain to the local transport truck below. Porters are useful and often accept pizza and beer as payment. If porters cannot be located, you may require professionals, who prefer to be paid in cash.
8. Settle in and admire your trophy. It should be at least two years before you have to go on safari again.
I'm on the hunt. It may take another three weeks to locate a flat. We've found a couple of areas we like, but one is more convenient. We've begun negotiations on one flat there, and if we're fortunate, we may be able to move and settle before we go on holiday.
... Will we find our prey down this trail? Tune in next week.
October 20, 1999
Next Tale - Blowing Chunks