Secret Sauce

Warning: gross.

Unlike many expatriates, I've never been inclined to hire a domestic helper.

Although it might be nice to have someone to take care of the numerous chores that eat up my time, I have trouble with the thought of someone living in our flat for the express purpose of cleaning my toilets. I've been looking after myself since I was six years old, and frankly men who can't cook or do laundry are pathetic (seriously: you can fix your car but you can't operate a washing machine?).

That's not to say we haven't hired outside help; before we moved into our village house we had cleaners come in to give the place the once over as the builders had left behind quite a mess. But a live-in maid would compromise my privacy, and I don't need another person under foot.

I also don't need a wack-job adulterating my food with her bodily fluids. Yes, you read that right. Brace yourself, here comes the ewwww! part: an Indonesian woman has been hauled into court for adding her menstrual blood to a pot of cooking vegetables, under the delusion that it would make her employer "more amicable and less picky". The employer was lucky; she discovered the scheme before she ate anything.

And this isn't the first time a maid has attempted a little low-rent witchcraft. Which makes me wonder how many times other helpers might have gotten away with it.

So no, I won't be hiring a domestic helper anytime soon; I'm quite happy to prepare my own meals, thank you very much.

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