Red Light Pages

After receiving the latest Yellow Pages, a quick glance revealed it was not of much use and therefore destined for the recycle bin.

But while looking up engravers I spotted no fewer than 25 pages of escort services ads, which made me think the directory ought to be called Red Light Pages. With names such as Asian Delight, China Dolls, and Oriental Girls Jewels of the East, agencies clearly pander to idiotic Westerners who think Asians are inherently exotic.

Were that not bad enough, many ads include photos of flowers, champagne or cocktail glasses, wine bottles, lipstick tubes, high heels, candles, pearls, cityscapes, and tropical scenes; and the text, while attempting to sound "classy" (with special emphasis on discretion), is simultaneously sleazy and degrading:

Our young intelligent sweeties are very attractive, charming and well educated.

Five-year-olds are called sweetie. People in love call each other sweetie. Money tarnishes the sentiment.

Very special and highly desirable beautiful escorts, all of which are discreet, lovely with sense of humor and are always nicely dressed.

Laying it on a bit thick, aren't we?

Muscular beauties.

What, no flabby beauties?

Let our gorgeous young beauties attend to your social need ...

Now there's a euphemism you don't hear every day.

Dynamic Duos! Mini-Skirt! Lovely High-Heels! Exotic Elixir! Happy Ending!

Until your wife reviews the credit card bill.

First Timers & Unusual Requests Always Welcome

What if you just want to be held?

We are eager to establish a long term relationship with everyone who tries our service.

That's not why people use such agencies.

Let us pamper you with love.

As long as you have Visa, MasterCard or American Express.

Massage and Mind Games

Lay down; here's a Rubik's Cube ...

Feel like Heaven, Beyond Paradise

Until that STD kicks in.

For Buddies Who Appreciate Quality and Style

If ever there were an ad aimed at frat boys, this is it.

Hundred of attractive, elegant escort with Far Eastern know-how.

So all one hundred will swing by to teach you how to use chopsticks?

The ads are tacky and ridiculous, but the sad thing is they actually work, or there wouldn't be so many.

The expression "a fool and his money are soon parted" has never been more true.

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