Consecotaleophobia

Have you ever heard of consecotaleophobia?

It's the fear of chopsticks.

Responding to a poll that suggest 60% of Britons fear the simple Chinese utensils, University of Surrey scientists came up with a formula they've called: Uncle Ben's Chopstick Equation, which calculates one's ability with the humble chopsticks. It's supposed to:

... identify the comfort levels associated with different foods, thereby allowing users to practise with "easy" foods before trying something tricky.

For those used to jabbing a fork into everything, I envision hunks of steak being skewered and lifted on the twin tines of the chopsticks.

The formula works as follows:

View large image C = comfort factor, Co = 30 (a constant describing the length and angle of chopsticks), N = number of meals eaten with chopsticks, n = shape, softness and crumbliness of food, a = slipperiness of food, d = diameter of food (in cm), m = mass of food (in grams), t = plate to mouth transit time (in seconds).

And they call themselves scientists. The Chinese don't eat from plates. Food is scooped from a bowl held close to the mouth. This flies in the face of Western manners, which people need to overcome if they hope to survive at the dinner table.

Uncle Ben's Rice, cooked the Western way, results in grains that separate on the plate. Trying to eat it with chopsticks is slow torture. The Chinese cooking method of steaming ensures rice that sticks, enabling it to be picked up or scooped.

The formula also doesn't address the fundamentals of using chopsticks. Until one learns the proper method, it doesn't matter how many meals he eats, nor the food's properties.

Rice firm Uncle Ben's Aileen McLaughlin said: "The formula will come as a welcome answer for those terrified by chopsticks."

Oh? What about those terrified by mathematics? She was being facetious; no one I know wants to study algebra just so they can eat. Given the choice between that and a fork, most Westerners would reach for the silverware.

The truth is those folks don't fear chopsticks; they don't run screaming from the room when they see a pair on the table.

They're afraid of looking foolish.

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