Notes » 1999
Notes » 1999
Shower Sink
We've been flat-hunting.
The oddest thing I've seen yet came when we inspected a bachelor flat. The bathroom sink was in the shower. What moron puts a sink in the shower stall? Is this so I can brush my teeth and wash under my arms at the same time?
The property agent acted as though this were normal.
I couldn't decide which was more abnormal, the sink or the agent.
I.Q. Dudettes
The all-time stupidest title for a Hong Kong movie: I.Q. Dudettes.
I'm not making this up.
Air Rage?
Air rage is the latest plague.
Drunken passengers get rowdy, forcing the captain to land and have the culprit arrested. At Chek Lap Kok Airport, a Portuguese man coming in on an Air France flight got drunk, but not abusive.
No no, he got naked. A woman awoke to find this guy lying in the seat (not assigned to him) next to her, sans apparel.
That's one way to get the flight attendant's attention.
The Flying Cat
We've all heard how cats land on their feet when they fall.
A Hong Kong cat named Goober somehow fell off a 20th floor balcony, and was blown about three meters over to a canvas awning on a nearby building, but 20 floors down.
A veterinarian said cats were known to survive falls from between the 15th and 25th floors, by gliding. They stretch their legs out, and the skin and fur slows down the fall.
Corn Frosties
In Hong Kong, Kellogg's Frosted Flakes are known as Corn Frosties.
Dick's Interior
Cruising through the Sha Tin New Town Plaza, I ran across this decorating store: Dick's Interior.
Need I explain why this name was a poor choice?
Harley Davidson
Motorcycles are common in Hong Kong.
Most are Japanese-built. And then I spotted a skinny Chinese dude on a large Harley Davidson, sporting a gold skid-lid.
No, he wasn't wearing any colours; he was just an ordinary guy, riding his hog.
To understand why I find this strange, imagine a Hell's Angel in full regalia, riding a Ninja.
Freaky Contact Lenses
Asian women, for the most part, have brown eyes.
In this age of coloured contact lenses, I've seen many Hong Kong women wearing some freaky stuff. It's weird looking at a woman whose eyes are purple, green or gold. The lenses have some kind of shimmer that makes the wearer look possessed.
I'm waiting for the day one of them spins her head around and pukes pea soup all over me.
Nose Bleed
When someone gets a nosebleed, sometimes he'll roll up a piece of tissue paper and jam it up the offending nostril to stem the bleeding.
One may do that in a washroom or somewhere private, long enough to get the bleeding under control, then remove the tissue once the clot takes hold.
And then I saw a guy walking around the mall with a wad of paper hanging three inches out of his nose, all the while acting like nothing was out of the ordinary.
I have difficulty believing he forgot about it and didn't notice.
Free The Insane
It must have been Free the Insane day.
We were walking along Nathan Road when we encountered two certifiable nut-jobs. The first was an elderly woman who was content to wander in traffic, muttering aloud to no one in particular. She seemed pissed off.
The second was a dirty, angry, half-naked man with tangled, wild-looking hair, bellowing nonsense as he cruised through the crowds in Tsim Sha Tsui, frightening the tourists. Everyone gave this wacko a wide berth; he was living in another dimension.
I asked Mabel what he was saying but she couldn't make sense of it. She did say that he would be picked up before too long.
The cops were nowhere to be seen; they must have been busy rounding up all the other psychotics.
Cool Bank Notes
I've learned something cool about Hong Kong paper money.
All bills are encoded with special ink that shows up under black-light, as proof of authenticity. Most merchants have a small black-light emitter they use to check large-denomination notes, usually $500 and $1,000. Banks use them to verify bills in cash deposits. This cuts down on counterfeiting.
The money would look cool in the nightclubs, too.
The Moving Sauna
With the heat continuing to hover between 28 and 33C, the building in which we live remains too warm.
The hallways and lobby are muggy. Stepping out of our air-conditioned flat is a challenge when the heat index rises over 37C.
Stepping into a lift is like entering a sauna; the increase in the air temperature is noticeable the instant we get in. I keep looking for heated rocks in the corner.
Security cameras are mounted in the ceiling; I think they're there in case someone keels over from heat exhaustion.
Victoria's Secret
The MTR Corporation has an obsession with plastering advertising for women's underwear everywhere the eye can see.
Sure, they advertise other things, but the underwear ads dominate. I'm sick of learning about how panties can fill out your flat butt and eliminate unsightly lines, or how bras can give you a whole new bustline.
It's like magicians giving away their secrets: I don't want to know.
Freak Magnet
Why is it I see the weirdest things on trains? Is public transportation a freak magnet?
I'm not mean-spirited, but someone should have a frank discussion with some of the ladies here and remind them lawn-green eyebrows aren't fetching.
Many Asian women aren't encumbered by a preponderance of body hair. But like many older women in North America, there seems to be an obsession with yanking out their eyebrow hair and painting their eyebrows back on with a cosmetic pencil. I've seen this before, usually in shades of black, brown, grey and even dark blue. But lawn-green?
It gets better. On the MTR I encountered a woman with giant purple velociraptor toenails. Remember Jurassic Park, with the raptors clicking those long curved claws along the floor? Her big-toes looked like that.
I tried not to stare for fear she would become angry, jump up and slash my belly open with those hideous purple talons.
Love Can't Smell
Ah, Summer! A time of romance, a time of young love. There's nothing like sitting on a park bench late at night, holding hands, gazing into the eyes of your new love, whispering sweet nothings in her ear ... with the smelly odor of the Shing Mun River Channel wafting in your nostrils and startled rats jumping out of nearby garbage bins.
They say love is blind. Love must have no sense of smell.
When we go for a walk along the paths that parallel the river, we often encounter young people in love. Clueless, but in love. Jeez, do you think they could find a better spot to get to know each other?
There is a nice garden nearby that smells a whole lot better than that channel.
Bucket Hats
The kids are at it again; they have another trend to follow.
I'm seeing more and more kids walking around with these goofy hats on, like Gilligan hats, but not as floppy around the brim. Bucket hats.
The kids pull them down tight over their heads so that the brim covers their eyes. They already walk around and don't watch where they're going, this won't improve matters.
It's a miracle more kids aren't run down in the streets like mangy dogs.
Little Manila
Every Sunday a phenomenon occurs in Central.
Most of the Filipina domestic workers have Sundays off, and congregate in Central, in the park known as Statue Square and in the surrounding streets.
In a single afternoon, more than 130,000 women meet in this zone I've dubbed Little Manila, where they camp out for the whole day. They talk, sing, eat, sleep, pray, and they do it while sitting on any available flat surface they can find.
They camp out in stairwells, subways (passageways under the streets for pedestrians and bicycles), shopping malls and parks. It's a sight in a city where space comes at a premium.
The city closes down a thoroughfare to automobile traffic because of the numbers of people in the area. While Central seems to be the main area where this happens, I've noticed it occurs all over Hong Kong.
No matter where I go, I see so many Filipinas I think I'm in Manila again.
My Toilet Is Possessed
My toilet is throwing it's arbitrary and daily fit.
Several times per day (at different times of the day and at random) the toilet tank doesn't refill after I flush. I have no choice but to keep a bucket handy. When this happens we're forced to fill the bucket from the bathtub and pour it into the toilet to get rid of the ... you know.
When the tank refills, it's not quiet. It spits and sputters and gurgles, making a racket. My toilet is possessed.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
Dust in the Wind
Dust control is a constant battle.
I can sweep it up, only to find dust bunnies in the corners two days later. It's relentless.
Were I not to remove it, our flat would turn into a beach.
Hello Kitty
The latest McDonald's promotion has resulted in another record breaking scrum at the doors.
They have a joint venture with the Japanese company Sanrio, makers of the famous Hello Kitty cartoon characters. Over the next five weeks, for every $15 spent, one can buy a Hello Kitty stuffed doll for an additional $18. Since this character is so popular and since they're releasing two new designs each week, the queues are long. The last time this happened was with the release of Snoopy toys.
Where Japan failed by military force, it's succeeding with excessive cuteness.
Lingering Livestock
The entire run of the KCR line had a distinct pig-in-the-pen smell to it, both in and out of the train.
From time to time livestock trains run along the same tracks as commuter trains, and leave behind their calling cards; the odor lingers in the heat.
Mmmmm ... pork rinds!
Sweety Pie
I spotted a heavyset Chinese man on the KCR wearing makeup.
It wasn't an attempt to cover up bad skin, that I could understand and even condone. This sweety pie was wearing heavy eyecolour, lipstick and blush. With a suit.
It was as though he wanted to dress in drag but forgot the dress.
Status Suckers
Status. Many want it; few have it.
In Hong Kong, people desire status with such intensity, they resort to all manner of ostentatiousness to ensure you know they have it. They emulate the wealthy by trying to look the same, walk the same, talk the same, smell the same and act the same.
Never have I seen a culture more obsessed with brand names. Americans can't hold a candle to the wanton display of consumer goods than the fine, upscale citizens of Hong Kong.
Entire city blocks are dedicated full-time to the sale of faux name-brand wares. Everywhere one looks, people are festooned with the biggest of big names: Prada, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Nike, DKNY, Umbro, Rolex, Adidas, Sony, Tag Heuer, Reebok, Calvin Klein, Omega. Most of it's fake. I know it's fake, they know it's fake, but their motto is: fake it to make it.
Over 90% of the population carries a mobile phone. They holster it, put it in a purse, or hold it like a man with a remote control. Sit down to dinner in any restaurant, and the phones pop out onto the table, as though these people were so important, they could receive a critical call at any time. I heard a man having a phone conversation during a movie in a voice loud enough to be heard throughout the theatre, he was so important.
I felt like taking his phone and cramming it up his important butt.
Mental health is at risk for more and more people trying to appear significant. Stress levels have risen higher and higher. And for what? So other people will look at them and think: That person makes a lot of money. They pay homage to the almighty dollar.
Everyone wants to feel important, to feel as though they're somebody. That's a natural human emotion; there's nothing wrong with that. It's too bad they have to become walking billboards to achieve it.
Someone once said:
Status is buying things you don't need with money you don't have to impress people you don't like.
Truer words are rarely spoken.
In Hong Kong, it should be shouted from the rooftops.
Fashion Victims
Hong Kong's youths have discovered Hawai'i.
Many a young man has taken to wearing the loudest and ugliest Aloha shirts I've ever seen. They're popping up all over the place, and many stores carry these shirts. I wonder if they've ever been to Hawai'i? If they had, they would realise how much they look like tourists.
All they're missing is a camera, Bermuda shorts and black knee-high socks.
Another group of young men seem to be quite taken with a style, if you can call it that, which requires them to wear a French-blue rayon shirt with one button done up at the centre of the chest, and untucked. They wear nothing under that; their belly shows. Added to this farce is a pair of sixties-style black hip-hugger pants.
Lousy dressers they may be, but other than that, I'm sure they're sweethearts.
No Ballroom Dancing
I've damage myself in this closet of a flat.
I was walking into my office when I caught the edge of a shoe rack with the little toe on my left foot. I've either fractured it or torn something, because the whole toe turned black with an ugly bruise.
If it is a fracture, it must be small, because I'm able to walk, though not without pain. It's the same kind of pain as when I crushed my tailbone while snowboarding last year, but not as severe. If it is a break, it should be good as new in six weeks.
Ballroom dancing is out of the question.
The Roaches Are Loose
With the warm season coming on, I've noticed a visible increase in cockroaches.
They're a good size, nearly two inches long, and ugly as sin. We were having dinner, seated at a patio table. When I looked down I saw three roaches in the sewer grate scrambling around, trying to crawl out. As I'm not fond of these ugly little pests, I took a bottle of hot sauce and dribbled a few drops onto their heads. I don't think they liked it much, because they disappeared.
They must have gone to take a shower.
When they came back, we moved inside so we wouldn't have them crawling over our feet (we were wearing sandals). The staff at the restaurant noticed, went out and unceremoniously stomped on them. Why didn't we stomp them ourselves? We didn't want to track roach guts into our flat.
Ah, the joys of life in a sub-tropical climate.
Durian, Durian
Grocery stores and street markets are selling what I surmise is a seasonal fruit that looks like a pineapple on steroids.
It's called a durian, and it has a smell that knocks me for a loop. It is by far the most odiferous fruit I've ever smelled.
I wouldn't say it's a good smell; it exudes a sharp odor which reminds me of battery acid, but sweeter.
Night Bird
With the onset of Spring, I've discovered a peculiar species of bird that sings at night.
I've listened to it chirp and tweet into the wee hours of morning. Quite bizarre.
It must not have any natural enemies, because it has no qualms about letting you know where it is.
Mole Hairs
An older man on the MTR had three to four-inch long hairs growing out of his Adam's apple.
He was clean shaven, including his neck, except for those hairs. It was disturbing. I've noticed many men with moles let hairs grow out of them to grotesque lengths. Given my insatiable curiosity, I have to find out what the thinking is behind that. I heard it has something to do with superstition surrounding good luck, but it bears further investigation.
Fire Your Translator
The names of a couple of businesses make me wonder who's in charge of translating:
• Collars and Cuffs: A store in a mall. I did a double-take when I saw that. Given the North American slang for handcuffs, my first thought was: What kind of store is this? Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a men's shirt store, not a specialty boutique catering to sadists.
• Homely Furniture: Another mall store. Homely? Why don't they just call it Ugly Stuff?
Chinese Dogs
It occurred to me that regardless of breed, dogs here speak Cantonese.
You may say: What are you talking about, dogs don't speak Cantonese! But think about it. I've tried to pet several dogs I've met along my travels and they don't seem to understand me. But then, I'm speaking to them in English. These dogs have been trained in Cantonese. No wonder they don't get it.
Mabel laughed when I told her this, but it makes perfect sense. I wonder if they bark in Cantonese too. They have to, so the other dogs will understand them. Of course, dogs do have an advantage over human beings, that being, of course, the universal dog greeting. That's right, nose-to-butt.
That wouldn't go over too well with people.
Inscrutable
Have you ever heard about Chinese inscrutability?
The observation is true with elderly Chinese. I noticed it when I started a running program last month. Villages border the path that parallels the river where I run. Many old folks come to play checkers, read newspapers, chat or walk. As I run past, they stare, stone-faced.
I feel like a bug under a microscope. I would rather they ignore me, but they gawk as though I had two heads.
Any other expression would be a huge improvement over deadpan.
Debt Collectors
With the recent economic downturn, mobile phone companies and even banks are hiring debt collectors that use less than scrupulous methods.
Complaints to the police cite the use of intimidating loan-shark tactics, including threats, violence and arson. Our neighbours in the next flat may have experienced it. The other day I heard yelling and swearing as three people pounded on their door for two hours. They finally taped a note to the door and left.
The crime? Being late with the rent.
Dead Rodents
Addendum to Blowing Chunks.
I was treated to the sight of not one, but two dead rats near the entrance to my block.
The poisonous rat baits are working; I wonder how long they'll lay there until a municipal worker removes them.
Mental note: Dead rats — another good reason to move.
Half Smoked
I spotted a poster with this charming little public education message:
Wherever you go, whatever you do, remember to take a condom with you.
Uh, right. Meanwhile, a new movie starring the biggest, coolest Hong Kong film stars is called Half Smoked. The preview is nothing but close-ups of the chain-smoking characters.
Tell me, what good is it to promote safe sex to impressionable teenagers if they're going to give themselves lung cancer emulating their heroes?
Colon Blow
A surgeon has been suspended.
He was talking on his mobile phone while performing keyhole surgery to remove a polyp from a patient's colon. The patient was sedated but conscious during the procedure.
During the discussion about buying a car, the surgeon botched the surgery and tore the colon, causing secondary surgery later in the day.
Good thing he wasn't performing a circumcision.
Pabst! Blue Ribbon!!
At the grocery store, I noticed a shelf full of Heineken beer.
Right next to it, in liberal quantities, was Pabst. This is a huge marketing mistake. Anyone who has seen Blue Velvet can tell you never to display these two brands side by side. They will quote, verbatim, the famous line uttered by an intense and disturbed Frank Booth:
Heineken?? F*** that s***! Pabst! Blue Ribbon!!
Good Pickings
We passed a street lined with meat shops, and egad, the odor was ghastly enough to make me nearly spew.
Three plump and shiny rats we spotted loitering about weren't complaining. Pickings must be good indeed.
I paused to watch one fearless rodent grasp a juicy morsel with his ratty little forepaws and munch away.
My wife was not amused.
One Year In
I've lived here for one year — the key word being lived.
I've avoided getting tetanus, tuberculosis, the chicken flu, diptheria, hepatitis A & B, polio and typhoid. I've learned to look to the right first before crossing the street. I've survived several large typhoons and countless maniacal taxi drivers.
But whoever said "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger" never had to breathe the air here ...
A Way of Life
Things that are a way of life in Hong Kong:
• Elevators: It's a good thing; we live on the 30th Floor!
• Scuzzy Little Restaurants: In some ways, my standards have been lowered. I eat at these places, but I have yet to get sick from the food. Everything is cooked so high in temperature, there's about as much chance of getting food poisoning here as anywhere else.
• Neon: At night, this place lights up like nowhere else. I may buy stock in a neon company.
• School Uniforms: Every kid wears one. No wonder as adults, some of them have no concept of style. White running shoes with a suit?
• ID Cards: You can get almost nothing accomplished if you don't have an ID card. For all intents and purposes, you don't exist. You are nobody, nothing, nada. You may be able to open a bank account with your passport, but not much else.
• Shoe sizes in stores rarely go above 10. That means I'll have to stock up on my next trip to Canada, which will make my friend Tom, who owns a shoe store, very happy.
No Donuts
While riding the bus, I noticed a police van with a very large case of Heineken beer in the back.
I guess these boys relax differently than the cops in Canada. And since there are no donut shops here ... well ...
Hang On
I saw a bus with the heading Hang On.
Is that the destination or is the driver issuing advance warning?